Lonely Nomadic Life In Brazil

We always see the expats showcasing their luxury and the beautiful lives they are living in new countries. The views, perceived soft-life, and taglines of finding themselves while living abroad. But very few talk about the emotional side effects of solo travel…of picking up and moving away from every thing that you know and living abroad alone.

We see the results but not the journey.

I’ve been in Brazil for about 2 1/2 months now and honestly, I didn’t expect how deep loneliness while traveling full-time would feel.

But hey, I asked for this…On one hand, I wake up everyday with an amazing view of the Atlantic Ocean… but some days I choose to just stay in the bed because I just want to sleep. Typing that out has me thinking to myself… “girl wtf you mean you just want to sleep and there is so much for you to explore?!”

I’ll talk about that in another post because I don’t want to get too much off topic.

So, While I was in Rio De Janeiro, it was different because it was Carnaval season. I was there with an associate and I had a little Carnaval boo-thang. It was fun while it lasted as we explored parts of Rio together, it didn’t go any further than that and he’s back in London and I’m back to reality lol.

After Rio, I went to São Paulo and it was an emotional rollercoaster. São Paulo is like a Brazilian New York, as they like to compare. It is a place where people just focus on working, making money, and sticking to what they know. There was a large gloom I felt there, on top of barely seeing any Black People.

I did get an opportunity to finally meet people after making the effort of putting myself out there. The difficult part is knowing that the connections formed eventually turn into a social media friendship once I leave. That’s why a major part of my journey has been on mastering detachment.

In São Paulo, I stayed in the Liberdade community, which has a heavy Asian presence. My entire time there, I saw a total of maybe 5 black people, outside of my night out at the Blackout Party Event and meeting people through Instagram.

I had many emotional days in São Paulo because meeting people wasn’t as easy as it was in Rio De Janeiro. In Rio, people are more free spirited and they just come up to you and start talking lol. In São Paulo, people are either walking with their friends, or with their head down in their phones.

After my month in São Paulo, I made my way to Salvador, which has a different energy to it. Salvador has a very healing energy connected to it and i have been able to meet a couple of expats who are also here. We’ve met up a few times and it has been beautiful.

But, one thing stands… I’m missing the touch of a man. I went on a beach date with a guy I met here, and it was really nice… but I have been out of the game so much, I feel like we naturally friend zoned each other and just enjoyed the company of laughing and sharing or cultures with each other. He’s learning English and I’m learning Portuguese so we found ourselves teaching lol. We hugged at the end of the day and that was that lol.

I think the knowing that I will not be in any one place for longer than 3-months, it energetically pushes me and others away from wanting to pursue more because that would mean someone having to change their life for the other.

So this season I guess, is about learning how to enjoy the presence of others while they are there… but not getting too attached to the future.

I hit 1 year of abstinence on my Birthday (3/30) and I was beyond proud of myself, but in between the celebratory moments, I find myself craving the intimate attention of a man at times.

The feeling of being touched, rubbed on, loved, and intimate used to do something to me. I’m a Taurus Venus, and physical touch is a big love language for me lol. I find myself having flashbacks to the times when I had it…forcing myself to ignore all the traumatic incidents that were attached to those men.

Me remembering, is what brings me back to reality.

This has me sitting with myself honestly to see if I am simply craving intimacy, attention, or if I am running from a part of myself I need to sit with… being intimate with myself?

A major part of my travels around the world was to get closer to myself, learn how to find comfort in being alone, and learning the world by experiencing new cultures.

As time goes by, I’m realizing I would use my connections with people as a way to pass time, or have available to me when I was bored.

I have never had a hard time with being alone while working and when I’m focused. It’s when I’m sitting alone with my thoughts for extended periods of time that I realize I appreciate having someone there.

Or was that just an excuse to use as an escape… Was that healthy? Is that normal?

In the past, even if it was just a text buddy or someone who I’m future faking with, like a Disney fairytale… that would’ve been enough for me.

But now, although I crave that connection and/or attention…. I don’t entertain anything that doesn’t appear to have potential for future connection.

If I know there is nothing there, I can’t entertain it anymore… even if I’m feeling lonely.

I’m living a nomadic life that many people pray for, yet I feel like I’m missing something because I don’t wake up to “good morning” text messages. I go entire days without talking to another person, outside of myself and my recorded videos for YouTube.

This is hard because I also don’t want to just waste my time and energy with people who I know is not serious, just there to pass time, and knowing I could be using that time to build my income how I need. It’s a back and forth thing that I know I’m not the only person who has had to deal with.

For the first time of my life, I don’t have a “little friend”, “boothang”, “just because”, or a time waster to talk to when I get bored.

I don’t have friends or family that I gossip with on the phone daily.

The truth is… I don’t actually miss people right now, I miss the access I had to the attention other people gave me. Because honestly, I don’t think I was completely happy when I did have the access then.

As I type this, I realize these feelings and moments are all apart of my journey of self-discovery I am on. I am truly alone and I’m learning how to self soothe intimately, emotionally, and recreationally without the attention and validation of another.

I don’t have anyone to help me escape from reality.

Not from my debts;

Not from building wealth;

Not from the insecurities that I’ve been avoiding…

That’s honestly uncomfortable…

But necessary.

Choosing to get rid of everything that I own and travel the world full-time was honestly one of the best decisions I have made. It is putting me in a position of retraining my nervous system, shifting my subconscious, and finally being honest with myself and the things I’ve ignored in the dark.

Being in a country such as Brazil has done a number on my nervous system because not only is the culture different, the language is brand new for me. I spent so much time learning Spanish, that I didn’t get prepared for the Portuguese I’d encounter in Brazil and babyyyyy it is hard asf lol.

Shoutout to DuoLingo and Google Translate which has been helping me a great deal!

But, this is the kind of inner work I’ve been sitting with lately…and honestly,  it’s changing me.

Checkout the video below where I share more about the experience.

But that’s all for today….see you in the next post!

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